A Minecraft Movie (2025)

Watching A Minecraft Movie was a miserable experience that forced me to reevaluate my life as a film critic. Is this how I’m supposed to spend my time? Reviewing the cinematic equivalent of chemically processed candy artificially dyed and coated in petroleum-based wax? I know not every movie has to be on par with Bergman, Welles, or Fellini, but there should be standards even for films made purely for entertainment. For the most part, Spielberg, Lucas, and Cameron understand this. Why doesn’t Jared Hess, who directed not just this mess but also such insufferable films as Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre? The only thing more depressing than A Minecraft Movie wasting my own time is the fact that it’s being aimed at kids; rather than nurture their instincts for curiosity and imagination, this film will work to deaden them.

Based on the bestselling video game, unplayed by me, the film doesn’t tell a story so much as go from one goofy, action-laden scene to the next, all the while avoiding humor, excitement, and any semblance of context. This isn’t to suggest that no explaining is done. On the contrary; there are constant explanations, especially for the myriad of game tokens and tools used as props by the characters. But they will not be understood by anyone unfamiliar with the game. If you’ve read my reviews, you know one of the things I can’t stand is a movie that exists solely in its own fanboy universe. If the uninitiated can’t go in cold, if there’s no way for them to watch it and actually understand what’s happening and why, you’ve succeeded only in creating your own multimillion-dollar in-joke.

I’d happily describe the plot if such a thing were possible. But the movie isn’t structured that way; there’s a sequence of events, and characters with loose backstories are dropped into them, but at no point is there anything to indicate a reason for what’s going on. In that sense, it’s like Christophe Gans’ catastrophic 2006 version of Silent Hill – impenetrable to those who haven’t played the video game, completely understandable to diehard fans. Elitists. Jack Black, who delivers every line as if he were the opening act to a Metallica concert, plays Steve, a man who enters a mine shaft, discovers a glowing blue cube he insists on calling an orb, and uses it to open a portal to a world where everything from houses to stores to plants to animals to villagers are made out of blocks. In this alternate dimension, he quickly learns he can build whatever he dreams of.

Within this dimension is another dimension: A hellscape where blocky demon pigs endlessly dig for gold at the bidding of a cruel, bitter hunchbacked hag (voiced by Rachel House). An inconsequential and ridiculous sequence of events brings other human characters into the block world, essentially to give Steve a team of sidekicks. First, we have Henry (Sebastian Hansen), the smart and creative but socially awkward preteen entering junior high, and his teenage sister Natalie (Emma Myers), who was forced into being his legal guardian after the untimely death of their mother. These characters provide the film with the artificial sentimentalism no one cares about but some filmmakers believe is necessary. We also have their realtor Dawn (Danielle Brooks), who doubles as the proprietor of a drive-by zoo. This is a fancy way of saying she drives a sedan full of animals. Whether or not this is legal, I can’t say, although it’s certainly unethical.

Finally, we have Garrett (Jason Momoa), a grown man who peaked in 1989 as a teenage video-game champion. If it surprises you that he has been unsuccessfully trying to live off that ever since, complete with a failing vintage video game store and a wardrobe that went out of fashion thirty-five years ago, you would probably be on the edge of your seat watching an Abraham Lincoln biopic. Anyway, Garrett and Steve fulfill the narrative obligation to have two middle-aged men, both losers, act like idiots as they bounce verbal and physical gags off each other. There’s no rhyme or reason to these characters, apart from being laughed at. The problem is, nothing they say or do is funny. At least, not if you’re an adult; the eight-year-olds the film is being marketed to could manage a couple of chuckles, although I imagine it would quickly get old, even for them.

What a waste this movie is – of talent, yes, but also of studio space, computing programming, printer paper, and camera equipment. Above all, it’s a waste of brain power. That’s saying something given that the video game it’s based on has been credited as educational, teaching children problem solving, teamwork, social interaction, cognitive development, language learning, and digital literacy. Most importantly, it’s said to foster creativity. There may have been goals in mind for A Minecraft Movie, but it’s obvious that none of them were constructive. Indeed, it’s an intellectual dead zone. The only apparent goals were to rob audiences of their time and money, while at the same time pandering to slavish older fans.